the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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