He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
