quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
