Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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