So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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