I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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