After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
