When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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