I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
My feet surprised me
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
