my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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