so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
