Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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