What a fucking waste of an outfit
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
