i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
