dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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