my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
