so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The power of my boobs compel you
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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