Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
