I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
