he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
