Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
