I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Randomize
