The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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