So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
