I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
