You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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