I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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