At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
