We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
