The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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