Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
