You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
