If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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