Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so let's talk penis.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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