I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
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