My friends, they love my intelligence
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
