Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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