just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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