grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize