I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
