he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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