I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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