So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I will pee on everything he values.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
