I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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