is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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