Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
