You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
