They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
