it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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