im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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