i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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