all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
They have beer where we have blood.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
