News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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