She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We talked him into tasing himself.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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