moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
