Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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