I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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