Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You can't motorboat a personality
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
