Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
