I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
