Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
