Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
