I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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