I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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