Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
