Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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