In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
