I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
that's an acceptable place to lick
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
