In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
