Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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